I am FINALLY feeling better!

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I HONESTLY started to believe I “had something” because I have never felt SO EXHAUSTED for such a long period of time (10 days).  But looking back now, I can see why I felt so tired, actually exhausted.  
I was sad.
Well, I FINALLY figured it out this morning (after a normal night’s sleep)!  I am sad because I feel like I am LOSING MY OLDEST SON!  Silly, I know, but it really is only a matter of time now, before he is on his own.  He is 12 and I only have half of those years left to be with him.  It really hits you when they leave elementary school and start junior high.

Beside E going to junior high now, I am REALLY going to miss E going to the kids elementary school.  Life felt safe with him there.  I guess I have really come to depend on him and trust him to be there to watch over K.  And now with G being there too, who is going to be there to keep the little ones safe, or lend them a helping hand or share that amazing smile of his? 

Just look at that kid!  Who could ever say no to a face like that?
 I am truly going to miss seeing him at the elementary school.  It was actually painful to walk the halls knowing E wasn’t in some classroom, somewhere, adding joy to all those around him.  He will NEVER be in the same school as the other 3, ever again! OUCH!  This really hurts!
He is growing SO FAST!  This is the first time that I have felt this ache, like my heart is breaking – DEEP INSIDE!  I ache to think that it will all be over soon.  
I actually think the real exhaustion started the night we came home from Costa Rica.  Our flight was delayed and we didn’t arrive until HOURS after we had planned to.  As I was carrying L down the escalator, I noticed a HUGE CROWD of people, holding signs, balloons and wearing HUGE SMILES on their faces.  I realized that I had seen a few missionaries on the first plane, the broken one.
I then thought of how long these people had waited to see their return missionaries come home today and I . . . started to cry.  (I still cry when I think of it).  Those families had not only waited 2 years to see their sons come home but they had to postpone their joy another 4 hours on top of that.  The anticipation in the airport was thick.  I couldn’t imagine what those missionaries must have been feeling.  But my heart KNEW what the mothers were feeling.
I just stood there and cried, like only a mother does when touched by moments that are so DEEP, so RICH that they impact you forever!
My kids asked, “What is wrong Mom?  Why are you crying?”  I felt embarrassed at first but then I turned it into a teaching moment.  I shared with the kids how happy I was for the families to have their missionaries come home.  But I also pointed out how hard that must have been for the missionaries to have had to delay their return home another 4 hours, after being gone for 2 years, not 25 days!
But even through that HUGE SPEECH, I caught a glimpse in E’s eyes and I KNEW that I too was going to have to wait for him to come home one day, very soon!  I TOO would be waiting for him at an airport, longing to hold him in my arms and welcome him safely home.  And it was just around the corner!
I couldn’t take the thought.  These emotions were all too new for me.  So I decided to just push them aside.  But I guess I couldn’t.  Because I have been a mess, subconsciously, ever since.
So, I hope that now I know what has been holding me back, that I will find a new level of energy in my life and a NEW FOCUS too.  I have been blessed to SEE, the last 10 days, that my time as a mother is SHORT!  TOO SHORT!  I have already let too many opportunities to hold, hug and love my kids go by.  I desire to NOT let that happen anymore!
I have felt this desire grow for some time and I am TRULY GRATEFUL for it and KNOW where it comes from.  My Heavenly Father!  I am grateful that my prayers are being heard and that my heart is beginning to soften.  I am FINALLY CHOOSING MY FAMILY before others, for the FIRST TIME!  It feels awkward, like a new pair of shoes, but I am going for it and pray that I can break into this new way of living easily and with very few blisters.
I am so thankful I have this blog!  It gives me a place to share my heart, my feelings, my beliefs, my ups and downs and my love of life.  It also helps me find a positive way to redirect my thoughts and to make them into actions.  I not only FEEL the changes that are happening because of this blog but I can SEE them too!  I hope that by sharing these experiences openly with you, that they are creating a positive impact in your life as well.  Thank you so much for reading!
All my love,

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