Today has been a difficult day. Yes, I am exhausted. Yes, I need to sleep. But sleep doesn’t seem to quench this kind of exhaustion. The kind of exhaustion I am facing is doubt. Doubt in myself and the choices that I have made, along with the choices I have made with Paul. Today was especially difficult because I am feeling something deep inside, something I am afraid to come out.
THAT is “What if we were not supposed to move to Costa Rica in the first place?”
I am not surprised if my husband pulls up, right now, and interrupts this post, because that is usually what happens. Just when I find the courage to write my feelings down, I get interrupted. But I don’t think I can take another melancholy moment with these thoughts and feelings. So I either ask politely that my husband let me alone or I pray he doesn’t come home in the next 10 minutes so I can pour my heart out on my blog.
To be honest, yes, I am sick. I have an acute UTI and I don’t feel well. I do need some sleep, but like I said, sleep doesn’t seem to vanquish these terrible thoughts from coming. But maybe that is where these thoughts come from . . . exhaustion?
I don’t know if I have ever shared my “Martin Harris” story before? If I have, forgive me, but when we first arrived in Costa Rica and EVERYTHING seemed to be falling apart at the seams, which it did, I HONESTLY felt that Paul and I had “Martin Harris-ed” ourselves to Costa Rica. You might not know this LDS story but it has to do with some very important papers that Joseph Smith had worked HOURS on and had just learned to complete, when Martin Harris asked if he could “borrow” them and “just show his wife” the pages, hoping she would be convinced of the work her husband was supporting.
Well, Joseph didn’t feel it was his right to just “lend” them to Martin Harris, he felt that they were God’s papers (and they were), so he asked God if he could lend them to Martin. God said “No.” But Martin plead with Joseph to ask again. So, Joseph feeling gratitude for ALL that Martin had done for him, asked again. And God said, “No.” But that wasn’t good enough. Martin felt that if only God could understand HOW MUCH he NEEDED those papers, to prove to his wife what he was doing, that God would let him borrow them, just for a little while, So Joseph asked a third time, this time God said, “Okay. It’s up to you.” And the pages were handed over to Martin.
Well, the pages were lost and were lost ON PURPOSE to stop Joseph. When Joseph heard that the pages were lost and that Martin could do nothing to retrieve them, nor did God want him to retrieve them, Joseph fell sick and lost the gifts and talents he once had with him. He was in a state of utter complacency and didn’t feel he could ever get out. Thankfully his wife saw him through and Joseph finally asked for forgiveness and the opportunity to keep helping, in whatever manner God chose for him. In time, Joseph started his work again and created the most special book I have ever read, and continue to read. I hope to read it for all eternity.
What does this story have to do with my feelings and my exhaustion?
Well, I wonder if Paul and I did this to God too?
Since before we were married, we KNEW we were to live outside the USA. I was not comfortable bearing and raising small children outside the USA, but once we were finished bringing our children into the world, I felt the start of our preparation to move one day. I knew it needed to be during a time that we had children in our home, hence the reason Paul asked if I would leave the USA, because he thoroughly enjoyed his childhood outside the USA for 6 years.
I also knew we needed to make money outside the USA, so Paul needed a job that provided him that resource. He had a job that allowed him to work in Costa Rica. When we visited Costa Rica as a family, I felt like I was “home.” I still remember that SWEET feeling and yearned to return. I cried all the way home our second visit to Costa Rica, because I felt SO DEEPLY that Costa Rica was where we belonged. But we didn’t have any doors or windows available to us, to make it happen, for 2 more years.
During that time I TRIED to forget all about Costa Rica. I even ignored anything that had to do with it, but it seemed to always be a part of my life, no matter what I did. Then the day came when I figured out that we needed to stop waiting for OTHERS to get us to Costa Rica and instead take the matter into our own hands. Is that where I went wrong? Did we go wrong here? Should we have waited for another country to be made available to us? A different job that would satisfy Paul?
I have been rained upon today with thoughts that our decision to move here was wrong and not part of Heavenly Father’s Plan for us and it has hurt me deeply. I feel cold, stiff and shut into myself. I am awnry and I feel sick. Not just sick from my UTI but sick in my spirit. I am restless and somber. I am even pouting, trying to figure out WHAT TO DO, IF I HAVE MADE SUCH A TERRIBLE MISTAKE?
It is as if I have caused a terrible car crash. How does one live after such an event has affected so many lives? My heart is aching for a calming answer. What do I do?
But something inside of me FIGHTS. It begs me to look at what we have accomplished, to see how far our family has come, how much closer we are, how we are homeschooling. Would I have EVER been brave enough to homeschool in Utah? Isn’t homeschooling my sweetest experience with my children, beside bearing them and raising them into children? YES. IT IS!
Yes, my husband isn’t exactly happy with our lives here but what if I am. What if I am okay with everything? Maybe THAT is where the guilt comes in? Maybe THIS is the true source of my pain.
WHAT IF I AM HAPPY and it has come at the cost of my children’s discomfort and my husband’s sacrifice? Then what do I do to repay them? How can I possibly tell them THANK YOU enough for allowing me this PRIVILEGE to live our lives this way. I HAVE HONESTLY LOVED IT, deep down to my toes.
No, I haven’t loved the painful moments in the beginning, but I have learned to love them in the end AND appreciate that they happened. I have learned to love myself and to love my family first . . . and THAT is a miracle in and of itself. And MOST importantly, I have grown and developed a personal relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ through this experience.
SO HOW COULD MOVING HERE been a MISTAKE???????
My heart wants an answer. My spirit yearns to know that it can trust to make correct decisions. My mind wants to understand what it needs to learn from this heart-wrenching experience. And my voice wants to know what to say to the ones I love when I tell them that I THANK THEM for their personal sacrifice to allow me this opportunity to “GROW UP” spiritually and FINALLY get to know myself and be my own BEST FRIEND?
I suppose my prayer is that I WILL ALLOW ALL THOSE AROUND me the same privilege and right to take me where they need to go and to have me there to help and support them, that they too may wake up and grow up spiritually into the MAGNIFICENT beings they are meant to be.
This is my raw and achy heart on a platter. I pray it will be now tenderly held in the only hands I can trust it in, my Savior’s. This is my prayer, to find hope, faith and courage to face each new day, no MATTER what it may bring to me or to those I love. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Spiritual Enlightenment here – my mother-in-law recommended it to me. I’m off to go read it.
As always, thanks for listening,
PS: My husband didn’t come home yet. Now I miss him and hope he comes home soon. Good Night – 4 am Seminary carpool tomorrow. Prayers gladly accepted.