Post #28 – Trying to Breath.

The sky was filled with puffy, happy clouds this morning.

I honestly don’t know what I would do without my sunrises right now.

Yesterday the sky was completely white.  I kept the curtains closed so I wouldn’t have to see it.  But today dawned hopeful and bright.

There was a hint of rose in the distance (to the left of the tree) and tinted the clouds a beautiful pink. And then the clouds separated and went on their way.

Thankfully the blue sky has remained so far, because I need it today.  Today we are selling or giving away all the possessions we didn’t bring with us to Costa Rica and it is tearing at my heart.

I am trying to stay positive and hopeful but the memories keep pulling me back to the past.  I am finding it very difficult to stay focused on the path ahead, so I am finding myself with my head hung down and my heart in relentless pain as I strive to trod the path ahead.  My heart hurts with grief, sorrow and a bit of despair.  This was never part of our plan . . . but who’s plan is it anyway?  I know, with all of my heart, that I wouldn’t be where I am today if I had followed any of my previous plans . . . so why can’t I shake this grief and sorrow?

Maybe it is part of the plan?

I read a story yesterday about an AMAZING woman called “Louisa Barnes Pratt: Self-Reliant Missionary Wife” by Kathleen C. Perrin.  I was deeply touched while reading this woman’s incredible story of constant change.  She was denied so many of the pleasures found in life, such as: being raised with your family, raising your own family close to family, having a community to grow up in and foster lasting relationships with, progress and acceptance in a community you live in and a happy, close married life.

This woman not only was sent away to live with different relatives, while her family stayed together, but she also moved constantly, never truly being able to call someplace “Home”.  After finally joining her religious community in Nauvoo, her husband was called to serve a mission to the Pacific Islands.  They were separated for 5 years, causing her to not only provide for herself and young family (although other men had promised to help her but did not) but she made the trek west all alone as well.

When she arrived in Utah, her husband joined her but the family felt estranged to him.  Her husband was soon called to again serve in the Society Islands but he asked that his family join him.  Hoping to be closer to her husband Louisa agreed, but only if her sister’s family could come as well.  I feel for Louisa’s sister.  She was comfortable and had a good home in Utah and husband by her side, but she left with her sister to support her.

During their many years on the islands, the family rarely saw their father.  Although much good was done, the missionaries were driven out of the Society Islands by the French Government and sent home.  They stopped in California and this is where the husband wanted to live but Lousia LONGED to finally be a part the community that she had always hoped to be a part of.  The couple split, never divorcing, but the time away from each other made it easy for them to live apart.

I think of this story and how so much of it relates to my life.  I have always wanted to be a part of a community and enjoy the society of family, friendship and cooperative society with others.  I have tasted it for a time, here and there, but it never seems to last for very long.  Maybe the longing is something that I miss from heaven, given to me to help me find my way back home?  My heart aches that I am so far away from so much that I love, yet I did not appreciate it while I had it.  Now I do.  Oh how the heart aches in sorrow and pain when it realizes what it once had, yet did not appreciate in its fullest possibility.

The kids discovered these 2 bugs INSIDE our home the past couple of weeks.  The first one is a Wooly Bear Caterpillar and the second one is a Tailless Whipscorpion.  Ironically, neither are poisonous but actually help to fight off unwanted insects in your home.  But BOY do they LOOK scary.  I think life is so much like this.  GingerSnap begged that we not keep them in our home but I explained to her that they kill the nasty cockroaches.  She didn’t care.  She can’t SEE the cockroaches.  Now that may be true but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t worth keeping around.  YUCK!

So, I am trying to look at this new phase of life with hope and joy.  Each day is called the present for a reason.  There is always something good in each day!  Although selling our home and things left in Utah feels like a NASTY, MEAN spider wants to kill us, I know that it is actually there for our good.  The decision we have made is not to poison us or our futures but is meant to help us kill the nasty, unwanted bugs in our lives.

Thankfully, I can look to the sky to distract me because focusing on this UGLY SPIDER isn’t very comforting.  Thankfully walking by faith doesn’t require us to use our physical eyes.  Knowing that trials in life are for our good brings me peace.  And also knowing that my Savior knows HOW I feel and HOW this is affecting me brings me peace as well, because He knows how to comfort me and aid me in this time of need.  I am never alone with Him.

Thanks for listening,

 

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