I totally need a shower. I am actually about to hop into a bath but I needed to do this. I feel compelled to do this.
I has been quite awhile since I have written. Something you can know about me is that I clam up when life gets REALLY hard and that is exactly what it has been feeling like. I get ultra sensitive that no one wants to hear about my woes, so it is best to just keep to myself. But oh how low one can feel when they make them self all alone.
I saw that yesterday. I was leading the music during Sacrament meeting and as I looked out at the sparse congregation, I noticed how most of the congregation was sitting in the middle and left sections but only a few sat in the right section. I thought that was interesting until I saw a lone woman, sitting all alone. She was even hunched up against the farthest wall from the entrance to the chapel. She was as alone as anyone could be while being in public.
I know this woman. She is young, in her early twenties, and I have worked with her. She is adorable and loving, kind and gentle, a good person. How could SHE let herself feel this well? How could SHE allow it?
Well . . . I am one to talk!
Since I got active in the LDS church at 19, going to church has almost been a passion for me. It is something I have sought out and worked at, so I try to not let my personal life bother me at church. But when I get home, that is where I pull away from one and all. As I looked at this woman, my heart ached for her. I wanted to run to her, scoop her up and bring her to the safety of my bench. Why didn’t I? Why didn’t I get up and sit with her? Why?
Maybe because I was more wrapped up in the low attendance of the meeting, the struggles we are having as a ward to be “Fully Functioning” and the concerns I had over some who withhold their help until help is given to them . . . even though they just reject it when it is given to them. I was more wrapped up in the mind games of people, rather than looking to the ONE IN NEED and being there FOR HER!! And sometimes I worry too much about ME being THE ONE IN NEED.
The last few months have logically been overwhelming. I have immense peace but because things are not playing out the way I would prefer, I internally stress out and feel not cared for. I am frustrated and I am focusing too much of my mental, emotional and spiritual energy on having these issues resolved and making sure they are resolved fairly. What is fair anyway?
So writing on the blog has felt fruitless, to say the least. But now, all that I have to show for the last few months is what? Silence. Pulling away doesn’t help us. Yes, self reflection and being at peace is important but accepting what is for today is just as important. So . . . here is today in a nutshell.
- Our house had an offer on it but it fell through.
- We need to repair or rebuild our fence in Utah, as well as work out some other issues that we are having with the house via long distance and hiring out people to help us.
- Our family’s black car, that fits all of us, is in pieces or hanging by a cherry picker at the mechanic’s shop and he has yet to fix it. We have purchased all new parts for it but we CAN NOT guarantee that he will put it back together correctly.
- Church attendance is at an all time low, as well as temple attendance, country wide.
- People are suffering and don’t understand how to live by faith. That is even a difficult concept for me to practice every day. How do we teach it to someone else?
- Contact with family and friends in Utah is dwindling. Out of sight, out of mind is a REAL mentality.
- Big life choices are around the corner. I don’t trust myself enough to “look at the bright side” just yet and have optimism for our future, whatever it may be.
- Our Stake is being split in 2 weeks. I’m emotional because I already feel our ward split made things very hard for “our neck of the woods.” I feel the “big guns” of our stake will be in the “other stake” and our new stake will be severly lacking.
- Attending the temple is not as easy as it was in Utah. Yes, it is closer and I can quickly attend a session arriving only 10 minutes before the session starts. But feeling a connection to the temple, through the people, and for myself is a battle each week. How to embrace that I don’t “feel” anything when taught in Spanish and tell them to only use English with me but that doesn’t mean that I should be avoided or ignored?
- My kids need friends. Or do they?
- We need to get out of the house more often. Or do we?
- We should see more of Costa Rica as a family. Or do we just go without Paul?
- We should be doing more trips. Or should we be living like we did in Utah, only traveling during the “summer” months?
- My health. I am feeling much better now but when I look in the mirror, what do I REALLY see? Growing health and strength or laziness and complacency?
- The kids are learning to enjoy each other’s company and are spending precious time together. Their social skills are being developed because they are learning how to care for themselves (in a non-selfish way but self reliant way). But will they feel confident when they leave home? Or will they adjust easily, after a few experiences with culture shock?
- Homeschooling has blessed me abundantly and given me courage to stand up for myself but it is lonely and at times repetitive. I would like to start taking some classes . . . clay sculpting, potter’s wheel vase/bowl making, drawing/painting help, swim stroke guidance, archery, horse-back riding for the kids – maybe me??? (fear of being up so high and I don’t like the feel of the horse moving below me), more help with the piano (pedal technique) – piano tuned too, better blog design, how to dress or “frame” my body in clothing? It doesn’t matter where in the world I live, I should be able to learn all these things anywhere.
- Holidays? How to continue to celebrate them, especially away from family? Why do we celebrate them and how should OUR FAMILY celebrate them?
- Paul and I and “our” future when our kids are raised. Only 10 years away. (eek!)
As you can see, I have had a lot on my mind the past few months and I just didn’t know how to put them into words, let alone do I have an answer for any of these thoughts. I am struggling to NOT put any productiveness to my day by having answers to these thoughts but to instead see value in my day by doing what I felt the Lord needed from me that day, not the world.
Yes, many wonder what is “next” for us . . . we wonder that ourselves but we are truly striving to NOT worry about it. We do trust that it will happen when it happens but in the mean time, how do we live TODAY, in the NOW?
What does matter most?
This video might help remind you, just like it helped to remind me this morning, what does matter most. Thanks GingerSnap. Good call!
Well, now that I feel better, I can FINALLY hop into that tub full of semi-warm water. I hope I can get some hot water going to warm it back up. But it should be a nice soak no matter what because it has started to rain (again) outside. I just hope my kids will let me soak in peace. At least the oldest is playing happily, and cutely I might add, with the youngest in HIS bedroom. Now my 2nd son wants me to run downstairs and help him with something. Deep Breath. Here’s to life in a nutshell.
Thanks for listening,