I am simply exhausted.
I don’t know what is happening? ALL WEEK I have been trying to figure this out. It has been difficult to put my finger on why I am so exhausted. No matter how much sleep I get at night, I feel so sleepy all day. I don’t know if it is allergies or a cold, stress or the holidays coming to an end, seasonal depression or the fluctuation of the weather (freezing cold toes to sweating hot, all in the same week), or if I am just simply, exhausted?
For years I have tried a variety of methods to push through moments like this. I have tried ignoring it, pushing harder, working more, taking on more to get my mind off of it. I have tried sleeping more, sleeping less, sleeping in stages. I have tried taking anti-depressants, vitamins, oils and long, hot soaks in the tub. I have tried starting a new exercise program, stopped exercising, made a new friend and exercised with her (at her level – higher or lower than mine) or enrolled in a class with one of my kids.
Somehow, I get through these exhaustion patches because they pass, they don’t stay but boy while they are around, it really can be a downer.
So, although I did not want to blog today, I am trying to. Because I want to not only remind myself (if I ever re-read these blogs one day) or my posterity (will they even read them?) that THIS HAPPENS. Exhaustion in life happens. And I don’t just want to blame it on our current non-resolving trials (our house STILL for sell in Utah, our broken into pieces family car STILL not fixed, and the “future” questions that are STILL unanswered for our family??). I think sometimes our minds and bodies just need a reset or a hold, even though life is still revolving all around them.
Feeling exhausted can be a bit scary, especially when new events in life, events that others are easily made aware of like a new community or church assignment (I was called last Sunday to be the Stake Primary President) are added to your life.
Thankfully, I have gone through moments like THIS before.
I remember when I was pregnant with Joy Boy. We had just bought a new-to-us car and had gone on an exciting surprise trip to Disneyland with Kimber and Elijah. I was also newly pregnant and the morning sickness decided to come on this trip/my 30th Birthday. I was also the Young Women’s President and we had just had a banner year at Girl’s Camp, sending THE MOST Young Women to camp, out of the entire stake. I was feel exhausted a little more each day but then . . . we had a prompting to sell our home and move someplace else.
Everyone was surprised but I was so excited about moving, it didn’t really sink in until after we sold and moved in 39 days that life was changing rapidly fast. My body started to shut down and I got almost everything a pregnant woman could get from stress: ocular migraines, hives, round ligaments (like someone was punching me in my stomach repeatedly each day), sciatic nerve numbness in my left thigh AND a potentially life-threatening, malfunctioning placenta. It was insane and I felt overwhelmed and stressed . . . but I didn’t feel punished.
I didn’t feel that ALL of these problems were coming because I had gotten to go to Disneyland, our buy a really nice car, or move to a nicer/bigger/more expensive house, or be Young Women’s President, or have my husband start working from home – thus helping me more around the house. No, at this time in my life, I just felt like I was being given a lot to handle. It was only when I started to listen to “other people’s take” on my life that I started to doubt that I could handle this all.
Once I started to listen to what they said and believe the tiniest bit of it, depression came in force and it threatened to take my life away almost daily. Thankfully I had a beautiful baby boy who knew just how to love me (still does) and a husband working from home, with two other busy little kiddos to constantly remind me WHO I AM and WHO I WILL NOT BECOME . . . and that was someone who quit. But how does one live life when they ARE feeling overwhelmed, lazy, slothful, unable to function, unable to do all that others are doing, making it all look so easy?
I believe that is where the test for Individual Worth comes into play.
Without us knowing ourselves and what our limits are, we are easily persuaded to do things that aren’t good for us. I am so very thankful that I was guided through that dark time in my life. It did take years to see it through but I did and I was not alone. I was given the opportunities that I needed to seek the help that was unique for me to receive.
Now I feel that right now is another time in my life where things are piling up and could easily overwhelm me, if I let them. I am grateful for past experiences that have taught me to follow my Savior’s example, to be: humble, meek, mild, gentle and patient. I will have to admit that I can’t do it all. I will have to rely on the strength and courage of others to do things that will be hard for me to bear alone. And if no one is there to help me, then I can only do my best and let things happen as they may; and that may include other’s hearts being broken or disappointed and I will just have to accept that.
Because I am not a hero, I am not the Savior, I am Wendi. I am here to see how I can help and to offer the help that I have at the time that it is needed. I can’t offer help that I once was able to give, nor can I offer help in the way I wish I could. I can only give what I honestly have to give. And if I ever am able to give more, than I MUST ADMIT where that extra came from . . . because it wasn’t from me.
So, I will sit back and practice staying calm. Practice having hope and faith that THIS TOO SHALL PASS and practice trusting in the plan that has been created for me, overwhelming and all. But most importantly, I will practice focusing on the JOY in the MOMENT. For hidden in all darkness, are treasures not for the eye to see but for the heart to feel.
Isaiah 45: 2-3
2 I will go before thee, and make the crooked places straight: I will break in pieces the gates of brass, and cut in sunder the bars of iron:
3 And I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the Lord, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel.
Thanks for listening,