Sorry for not writing lately.
My heart and mind are filled with emotions that I am finding difficult to express right now. As many of you know, my family and I have had to be very patient with a few experiences we have been having in our lives. The problem isn’t being happy when they are resolved but “what next?” I have been torn with differing emotions of: fear, doubt, frustration, elation, hope, more doubt, more fear, anxiety and even a bit of anger.
When emotions like these surface, I feel unworthy to write in my blog. I feel conflicted and hypocritical with the words I use because in many ways, I feel I am trying to play fortune teller, only to be given a new twist or turn to my life. Like our house. It was never our intention to sell our home, let alone stay in Costa Rica longer than 3 years, and yet, here we are. And the selling of our home has been more painful than we ever thought we could possibly handle.
We thought a quick sell would be hard enough on our family, but to watch our home sit and “rot” was almost unbearable. Especially after all the many years of hard work and respect we had personally shown our home, only to have it treated like just another piece of property, not someone else’s home. I was sickened by how our home was treated . . . but looking back, it was a rental. The renters didn’t know us or care about us in that manner, they just needed a place to lay their heads and they did just that. So the home took a beating in just 2 1/2 years.
Watching my husband put so much work into a home that our family will not be able to enjoy was frustrating and painful, thus causing me to instinctively go numb. So numb that writing in the blog has been more than undesirable but impossible. I do want to share pictures of the updates on the house but they are proving to be too painful. For now, you can look at the listing, but one day it will not be there, so I hope I will have the courage to post the amazing pictures Paul took of our home someday soon.
Another issue we have been struggling with is our family car. We are hopeful that it will FINALLY be fixed and able to help our family. But I still catch myself holding my breath with this and I realize that I am filled with confusion, and at times, deep pain. It is difficult to admit how much I took our family car for granted. It causes me great pain to realize how much I expect to “just happen” in my daily life, yet I am not willing to go out and make it happen myself. I feel like I have been a lazy fool, but yesterday, I found a video that I felt inspired to hold onto and use to help me through this transitioning time for me and my family.
Our family honestly has NO IDEA what this new year will actually bring, nor do I think we should already know. But I do KNOW that no matter what MAY happen, what WILL happen is what is MEANT to happen. And regardless of what DOES happen, we still need to make room for the possibilities that could very well come this year, like: a kiddo possibly finishing homeschool, moving out and getting a job to care for himself or go to University or go on a mission. We also would like to make a trip to the USA to see family and friends next winter (Thanksgiving or Christmas or a little of both?). I also would like to take El Gringo to check out a University he might be interested in and maybe see my mom while we are out that way. And I would REALLY like to take the kids around Costa Rica and see as many things as we possibly can before our said kiddo flies the coop.
I must say, that with all of these thoughts and feelings on my mind and in my heart, I did awake this morning feeling joy and hope. I also awoke feeling peaceful that even though life is a foggy mess, I can trust the path I am striving to follow because I KNOW who is by my side. My Savior, Jesus Christ.
I especially LOVE these little talks by Elder Bednar.
Elder Bednar’s Three Part Series on the Patterns of Light:
Whenever life gets me all twisted up and confused inside, I remember them and then I choose to hold onto the spiritual eyes that I have, instead of the physical eyes that I wish I could see with through the fog. I am also deeply grateful for the many amazing examples I have been given in my life of people who have learned to walk through this fog with physical eyes closed but spiritual eyes wide open, thus I am able to trust this strange, and sometimes dangerous-feeling, walk with faith and trust in Jesus Christ himself.
“For God hath not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind.”
2 Timothy 1:7
THAT Spirit is Jesus Christ. I know this because I am not able to always possess power, love and a sound mind – but He is!!
Thank you for your prayers and patience with me.
I love you!