Do you know what bed sores are? Or the sores you get from breaking in a new pair of shoes? Or sores you can get from over using your feet and thus sores are formed on your toes, or on the bottoms of your feet? Or sores you can get from carrying a heavy pack for too long, without shifting it, or giving your body a rest?
Well, I have a few sores from the burdens we have been carrying, and when I find them, they just break my heart. I struggle to understand if I am allowed to admit that these sores hurt? I struggle to know if I can show them to others?Or if I can trust that others can help me treat them and bandage them in ways that they will heal? I also struggle with thoughts of if these sores could have been prevented, “if only I knew how?”
When I find these sores, I feel so many feelings: frustration, disgust, pain, exhaustion, confusion, and sometimes hopelessness. I also have thoughts that accompany these emotions. Thoughts that question, “What is in this heavy pack after all?” “Who put so much in my pack?” “Am I carrying what I should?” “Do I have anything in my pack that shouldn’t be there?” “What am I doing wrong to cause the sores I am reviewing from carrying this heavy pack?” “Is what I am doing on the trail really helping others, or is it unnecessary and only causing me unnecessary angst, and possibly these sores that have been found?”
When I hear these thoughts start to talk, I try to do my best to treat them as clouds, passing by in the the sky. I try my best not to fly up to one and sit on it. But sometimes, if I’m not careful, I do end up in one of those clouds, and once I do, I am in for a storm!
Last night was one of those stormy nights. I just couldn’t keep track of my thoughts and feelings well enough, that I found myself stuck on a cloud of worry, doubt, and dread. I felt so helpless, so fearful of “what will come.” I did all I could to just fall asleep.
But waking up was even harder. For in sleep, all is pretend. But once you wake, all is very real and out of my control. So I slept, and slept, but I never found the relief I was seeking from hoping the clouds above would blow away.
As the hours ticked on, I knew I had a choice to make. “Get up and face the world willingly, and ask for your Heavenly Father’s help to aid what you can not do for yourself! Or hide, and get nowhere today. It is your choice Wendi. Your agency. Fight for it! Fight I say!!!”
Thankfully my body gave me a needed push, as it has needs you know. So I did get up and I chose not to go back to bed. I started by brushing my teeth. Then I washed my face. Then I cleaned and dry brushed my body. Then I changed into all new, clean clothes. Then I braided my hair and pulled it away from my face and neck (I’m tempted to cut it, so I need to keep it out of sight right now). Then I fed myself, physically and spiritually. And now I’m blogging, something I struggle to do when I am battling the clouds above. ⛅️
Why do I blog? I honestly don’t know why right now. But although looking at past posts brings me a melancholy I don’t want to dance with, I also feel joy that at least I have evidence of a past time of my life. Raising my children, visiting foreign places, living in a foreign country. I’m thankful I wrote about those opportunities and experiences, but looking at them now only tempts my thought and emotional clouds to roll in at an abundant rate. No thank you! I have enough clouds to deal with already. So I suppose I blog today, hoping that these posts will be a source of truth and help in the future too.
But what of today? How do I go on, without a sure knowledge of what is coming on the path ahead?
I walk in patience. I need to choose to await the future with hope by seeking to feel the warmth of the sun, as the clouds threaten to hide Him. I work and wait patiently, doing what I know to be right for me and my family right now. No. Maybe what we are doing isn’t what others would do, or believe to be right even for us, but those feelings of opposition are just that. . . Opposition.
A talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland today, gave me a measure of peace and hope. These words from the Book of Mormon Prophet Nephi sum it all up for me. . .
“My beloved brethren [and sisters], after ye have [received these first fruits of the Restoration], I would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Nay. …
“… Ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. … If ye shall[,] … saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.”
That is what I want, a daily perspective on eternal life, not temporal life. I also want to have a perfect brightness of hope. I want it so it can shine a light, like a lighthouse, through the stormiest clouds the sky will ever see. Is it possible? I believe it is, if I seek it with all my heart, might, mind, and strength. ☀️
So, for now, if I can’t see the sun, at least I can close my eyes and seek to feel it. For it IS there, or else nature would not thrive. The very birds and lillies would pass away, and they haven’t. They thrive. So I must too! I will be a sparrow or a lilly.