This picture is not a mistake.
This is how Paul and I feel our vision for our future looks. Okay, maybe not so dark as in bleak but we do feel we are blind right now. We are literally having to walk with the only sight we have, and that is not sight but the encouragement we receive while we use faith and trust in the Lord to keep taking one more step forward, backwards, to the left or to the right.
I realize that this “kind of talk” can gag a lot of people and even upset many more. People don’t want to hear about this kind of thing happening to them. They don’t want to think that their loving Father in Heaven could do such a thing to them. I know this because I USED TO BE THAT PERSON. I still am at times. But the lessons we are learning right now are so rich, so vibrant, I can’t help but push ahead, wondering what lies ahead, despite being blind to where we really are or what we are walking towards.
The earth awakening!
I remember years ago, having dreams about a place that was green but had fog and rainy skies. I saw myself walking down tree lined dirt roads and breathing in the fragrant air. As a child, the only place I knew of that looked like my dream was Ireland. But then I learned that Ireland is cold, rainy, even dreary at times and not as fragrant as my dreams seemed to be.
Then we visited Costa Rica 6 years ago this Thanksgiving. While driving to see Poas Volcano, I drove down a beautifully green, tree lined street that was just like my dream. I remember pulling over and getting out of my car. It was drizzling rain but it was warm and the air was fragrant. I remember my children calling out to me to “Get back in the car!” but I couldn’t resist fulfilling this dream. I stretched out my arms and spun in circles. I realized that my dream wasn’t in Ireland but in Costa Rica and that was the start of me WANTING to move here.
But getting here would be more of a challenge than Paul nor myself realized. We assumed that if it was “right” than it would be easy. Oh how very WRONG we were. But oh how MANY lessons we have learned. I love that the picture above shows how we must focus on the light in the distance to see us through the moments that may feel dark or scary but will pass. Because . . .
A BURST of light shines forth, helping us see that the shadows aren’t scary after all, they are just unfamiliar. You begin to see things that you once knew to be only done one way, experienced in another. You realize that your old truth is still true but now you have added new information. I never saw sunrises like this in Utah . . . yet that doesn’t mean that this sunrise is wrong. Nor does it disqualify the sunrises I did see in Utah. Oh how I miss seeing the sun come UP and OVER the great Mount Olympus!
Once you get over the shock of “different”, you are able to ZOOM IN and really see the beauty that is before you. That beauty has been me seeing ME for the first time. I have learned to love myself and be my own best friend. I have also learned to embrace that my family isn’t the family I thought I would have but instead, they are the EXACT people I have needed in my life, to help me learn who I am and who I am capable of becoming. They are the brilliant color and contrasts to my sunrises!
After our confidence builds, we can take a farther step back and take in the whole picture. No longer are there dark shadows or strange sunrises but BEAUTY, JOY, LOVE and MOMENTS to always remember. Now that life has given me a “zoom in” experience, I don’t mind letting go of my past.
These are some of my most cherished belongings that I am letting go of. The pom-poms remind me of when I was an innocent little girl with two parents living in the same home. The kitchen table reminds me of the many special occasion meals I shared with my family as a little girl and then used everyday for my own little family. I initially didn’t want this table as a newlywed but Grandpa Swensen showed me that almost anything of value can be repaired and refinished to its original state of beauty, so I have kept it all these years. And lastly, this beautiful chair. I look at this chair and see the beauty that all my grandmothers tried to pass onto me. This chair was my Grandma Wardle’s. I received it shortly before our daughter Kayleigh was born. Each time I sat in this chair, I could FEEL the arms of those who have gone before holding me. But they are not needed anymore. It is time to let them go. Thank Heaven for cameras!!
This experience, of selling or giving away everything we left behind in Utah, is teaching me a valuable lesson. I am learning that things are meant to be used for a wise purpose and when that purpose is fulfilled, it is time to let go. I am realizing that by letting go of “what should have been” allows me to make room for “what can still come.” Like moments made with my own things that I collect or things that remind me of my own little family.
The possibilities are numberless!
I LOVE that my kids are teaching me by example HOW to live this life happily. Every day they come up with new ways to learn their daily lessons. They build forts, boats, ships, abandoned train cars (Boxcar Children), cars and islands to live in for the day . . . and then their mother makes them put it away. Isn’t that what Heavenly Father is asking Paul and I to do right now? Take down one dwelling to move into another. But we still have the key resources we need to create a home that we can enjoy ANYWHERE we are asked to be.
I am feeling VERY LOVED and CARED ABOUT while Paul and I are working through this moment. Thank you for your prayers and support. I especially thank my sweet and best friend, GingerSnap. She knows right when to help me. She brought me some of her leftover Chinese take-out from yesterday because she wanted me to taste something yummy. Then she brought me one of the cupcakes she made. She is so generous and kind, selfless and nurturing. I hope she will be able to use her special type of Motherhood with her own children, but for now, she is using it on me and her other family members. I feel genuinely taken care of by her and my other 3 children. They are being careful around me and also being so respectful as their father and I go through this painful moment. We are richly blessed. THESE moments are the REAL CHERISHED BLESSINGS!
So I am off to take a much needed bubble bath. This tub is another one of my many blessings. It has held me through terrible sickness, a long recovery and now through my heart breaking and remolding into a new and stronger heart. I feel safe and comforted that although Paul and I may not know our “future plans,” our future is safe in the hands of the Lord.
And until we have further information, I am grateful that I have gifts and talents to practice, like drawing, to keep me company and give me perspective that life is meant to be lived TODAY, not in the future, and that if I take time each day to LOOK for the beauty in this life, I WILL SEE IT!
Like the gorgeous sky! I am almost certain you have one too. Have you looked at it lately?
Thanks for listening,